This is the fourth of seven articles in the collection
Letters to Yara
my personal take on the hero’s journey.
To you,
Forever from me to you,
My hands trembling beyond control, I ask forgiveness for the dire state of my writing. Feeling you deserve better than these tremulous scrawls. Even in hardship, I always felt I had some grip on this world. But now I grasp into a nothingness I cannot explain. Trapped in clouds of confusion, I struggle to piece together the last few days.
And even though we’re still en route, nothing feels the same.
The inevitable has happened.
And I fear irreversible too.
In a desperate attempt to end the lasting state of suffering, my body seized control.
Performing the ultimate act of self-rescue, by self-impair.
The long overdue last resort.
Punishing my prolonged defiance of not listening to the signals it had been sending all along. Mercilessly smiting my ignorance.
However, nothing befalls one without a trigger.
No effects without a cause. As there can be no fire without ignition.
And so, let me attempt to describe what I believe befell me…
Despite screaming objections, my mind kept wielding the whip to my body. Forcefully keeping it moving. Unknowingly nearing the point of no return.
It was nothing more than a seemingly innocent change in the slope of the terrain. Blinded by exhaustion however, I did not take notice. Nor did I pay attention to my footing. Momentarily my balance was compromised…
As to avert my ensuing fall, I displaced the weight of my body in uncommon fashion.
I stumbled, and thrust my foot forcefully into the ground.
I made the one determining step that changed it all.
As if struck by lightning, a blinding pain shot through the base of my neck, propagating the length of my spine.
Like putting flame to an oil-trail, fire spread, torching my veins.
I felt a blizzard of ice freeze my blood, disintegrating my cells.
My body smashed into a million pieces.
And in that moment,
I knew the truth.
The reflection of my sense of self; shattered.
The mirror has broken…
Somehow I managed to drag myself forward.
Shivering.
Trembling.
All the while trying to close the gap, in pursuit of my comrades. For I had fallen behind.
Memories of my scrambling attempt to catch up with them, have deserted me.
The aftermath a blur.
Slowly, feelings came back. Soft at first, like a whisper.
I felt the tide building within.
The whispers turned to screams. And then it came…
Fear.
Like nothing I ever felt before. An all-engulfing tidal wave washed over me. Crashed through me like a hurricane. Consuming everything.
Leaving behind a vulnerable, nakedness to being.
Once I stood tall and proud, yet now I appear only as a shadow of a man.
A ghost-like, hollow existence. Detached from the earth, but nowhere close to heaven. Floating in space, fragmented. Like a wraith, trapped in purgatory.
Unraveling.
I turned to every god,
embracing every holy spirit,
and every guardian angel ever bestowed upon men.
I would ask you to pray for me.
Please my love,
Pray for me.
Yours,
Me
Black Lotus Vector courtesy of Thijs Franken
Click here
for the preceding article in
Letters to Yara
