Thomas
We waited in silence for the limousine to arrive. All of us wearing black suits, white shirts, black ties, black overcoats, black gloves and black hats. I glanced at the five other guys, three of them standing on the opposite sidewalk, the other two standing to my left. The six of us forming a small honor guard. Impatiently waiting with our left hand folded over the right.
The days were getting really cold now. This would not make our shifts more enjoyable. After a couple of days of waiting in the snow, wearing the thin work-attire and knockoff shoes that were not made for sub-zero conditions, we quickly caught on. Not obvious at first glance, but underneath our suits, all of us would layer-up; long johns underneath their suit trousers, several pairs of socks and if available at the office; as many pairs of gloves as one could find. The annoying problem during winter shifts was traffic. Delayed start times of the ceremony were common. However, when the procession arrived we had to be in position. And so, we had to stay put in the cold, regardless off any delays. Punctuality in this business was everything. I let my gaze slowly dwell from side to side, eying my colleagues. I wondered if any of them had had a night so exciting that it could top mine.
This morning however had been in stark contrast with the wonderfulness of yesterday evening. I had almost been late. Not good. When I stepped outside I saw aimed bus approaching in the corner of my eye. I could still recall my heart almost exploding in my chest after sprinting to the bus stop. There was a zero-tolerance on being late, and I’d been scolding myself all morning for hanging back in the bar yesterday. Sleeping through my alarm clock. So juvenile. A good thing I had already ironed my shirt the day before. Otherwise I could bet my boots that I would have had my head bitten off by the front-man, let alone being taunted by the rest of the team for the remainder of the day.
The front-man spoke, breaking the silence and interrupting my thoughts. “Gentlemen attention please, the procession is arriving”. I turned to my left and indeed saw the black limousine, followed by a string of cars slowly advancing. As the car slowed down the front-man gave the command to remove our hats. Simultaneously the six of us slowly took them off with our right hand, placing it in our left. The limousine came to a halt. On both sides the three of us now flanked the car. “Gentlemen please”‘. We solemnly bowed our heads towards the rear of the car, a sign of respect to the deceased. My mind drifted off to my plans for later today and my heart took a small leap. Tonight I would go on a first date. With the girl I thought could very well be the girl of my dreams. I had to clench my jaw to stop myself from smiling broadly. “Gentlemen hats please”‘. In sync with the others, I put my hat back on and as the car engine revved softly we walked into the direction of the gate. Slowly pacing we accompanied the limousine through a gloomy looking drive-lane. Staying close to the side of the car, I let my thoughts wander off again to her beautiful smile. And again I had to make great effort to keep a straight face.
Sophie
I looked out the window of the passenger seat, barely noticing we had arrived. The day passed in flashes of moments. I felt as if somebody had pressed a mute button on my life and only occasionally allowed me to hear fragments of sound. With a minimum amount of information seeping through. I tried to tie the past three days together. I felt dazed. Numb, as if I was being held under water. When people spoke to me I had trouble listening. Their words seeming a foreign language. I didn’t care. There was no use in talking anyway. I turned towards the drivers seat. The chauffeur hadn’t said much as we slowly followed the hearse. Just outside of the gates our car came to a halt. I hardly saw the six bearers, immaculately dressed in their long black coats, take off their hats and bow in the direction of where I knew the casket lay. I looked out the window again. The last of the brown leaves had come down a couple of weeks ago. The creeping bare branches of the trees giving the graveyard an even more sinister appearance. It was the dead of winter. She always said she loved winter. The pit in my stomach grew larger.
The phone call came in the evening. I was having dinner with my parents. The voice on the other end of the line only needed one sentence to have the inescapable truth pierce my heart. Car-accident. I didn’t really recall much else of the rest of the night. I had barely slept in the past three days. Yesterday evening the pure exhaustion had finally put me out for a couple of hours. The second I woke up this morning had been the sole moment since the horrible news, that I had felt normal again. A mere minutes later however I realized what had happened, and the horrible reality came screaming back again. There were still so many things we had left to do together. So many adventures to be shared. So many stories to be told. So many songs to be sung. I felt the tears spring from my eyes again.
The gravel crackled underneath the wheels of the car. Through the weeping willows that confined the lane leading up to the funeral home, I could see the the hundreds of tombstones that dotted the graveyard. A man wearing a black suit, holding a cane, approached the hearse. He waited till he had reached the limousine, turned around and lead the procession further, in the direction of the funeral home.
Thomas
The limousine came to a halt, and so did we. “Gents, one”, the front-man spoke, and in unison we all turned ninety degrees to face the windows of the hearse again. I looked at the sleek oak casket inside. Nothing too fancy, I judged. The funeral director walked around to open the tailgate. He slowly pulled out the casket using the handlebar on the head-side. He gave a curt nod to the front-man and the six of us now gathered near the tailgate where the casket was sticking out of the limousine. Gradually we removed the casket. Each of us reaching onto one of the six handle bars that were attached to its sides. I was relieved they made us wear cotton gloves. Serving as an extra layer, a barrier, between us and the casket created more distance to the deceased. Made us feel less emotionally involved.
We carried the casket away from the hearse and made a small turn such that the feet-side was now facing the funeral home. People were getting out of their cars and queued up behind us. I waited for the next command. ‘Gentlemen, one’, the front-man spoke again. We all turned ninety degrees again, now facing each other, holding the casket in between us. One hand on the handlebar, one hand supporting its bottom. “Gentlemen, please”. Mechanically, like clockwork, we started lifting slowly. Not heavy. No aching backs tomorrow, I thought relieved. The casket now floated at shoulder-hight. “One”. We each quickly turned sideways, positioning our shoulders underneath the casket. “Gentlemen, one”. We started pacing forward, as always: left-foot-first. The funeral director who had been watching us closely, gave a nod of approval, then turned around and lead us towards the double doors that would take us inside. We carried the casket towards the stage and came to a halt next to the bier. The front-man gave another command and we slowly lowered the casket onto the bier, which was set-up such that she would be facing the audience. After positioning her gently onto the wooden stand, the front-man gave a nod. In single file we made way for the staff-exit, hidden behind a small golden sheet that curtained one side of the room. I felt a sense of relieve. Let’s get some coffee; Break-Time!
Sophie
After I watched the pallbearers carrying her into the funeral home, the funeral director escorted us inside. The large group of invitees slowly began to move. I was very cold, but I could not be sure if it was due to the weather or my stacked up sleep deprivation. The room looked modern and sober. Ingenuously positioned spots filled the room with a luminous gold. Sleek beige oak benches, parted by the central walkway, faced the small stage. The room resembled the interior of a small church hall. There were no pieces of flair or unnecessary frills. The walls of the space were bare of decorations. Three photograph’s, all taken within the last year, displayed her smiling into the crowd. She had been so beautiful.
I turned to the left and at the sight that followed I felt my throat constrict; positioned at an angle to face both the casket and the crowd, stood a lectern. Anxious, I padded my pockets. When I felt the folded up piece of paper I let out a sigh of relief. However, the pit in my stomach had grown larger. I was really dreading my part in the ceremony. Surrounded by others of her close friends, I sat in the third row on the left, just behind her family. I had watched people giving each other reassuring smiles, feigning the message that ‘it will be alright’. I could not find the strength to participate in these theatrics. Nor could I find focus to listen to the words spoken by friends and family. While other speakers preceded me and pieces of music were played on the speakers, I just stared at my shoes. My mind wandered off.
I thought of the all the people that I loved, that played a vital role in my life. The importance of my relationships. My family and friends. Anxiety washed over me as I desperately worried if I could deal with the pain of losing anyone else again. I folded my arms tightly across my chest, afraid, trying to contain the thunderstorm of emotions that was raging through me. Trying to contain myself, I closed my eyes. Deep breaths. It comes, it goes. Relaxing a tiny bit, I reminisced about ended relationships, faded contacts, diluted friendships and missed opportunities. Briefly the sorrow and crippling sadness made way for a whist of determination. Determination to be better. To do better. To express my love and appreciation more often, and show that I care. To embrace fear and brake through my inhibitions limiting me. To seize the day. Everyday. Because it can be over in a second. Then I tumbled back. Sadness filling me up again as I thought of previous losses and inevitable losses to come. Tears streaming down my face it took a while before I was pulled back into the here and now. I noticed the people in front of me turning around, looking over their shoulders. A curious look on their faces. Then, as if I broke up through the water surface, sounds came back to me. It was like if the volume was abruptly turned back on. Apparently the funeral director had made several attempts to get my attention. Again he called out my name through the microphone. ”Sophie? Sophie are you ready?”
It was my turn to speak.
Thomas
We tossed our jackets on the coat rack and scanned the room. A round table with some chairs and a little kitchenette in the corner, with a coffee machine.”That’ll do boys”, said the front-man. “Nice, biscuits!” one of the guys cheered as he got comfortable in one of the fauteuils and reached for the platter. I opened the cupboard and snatched a couple of mugs. “Any-one up for some black gold? Well deserved after all that hard labor, I’d say.” The guys chuckled. This job almost never got very heavy, it involved a lot of waiting around. Especially today. The girl had been too young. This usually meant lots of attendees for the service. Lots of attendees, and lots of speakers. Thus a long service. There wouldn’t be complaints on our part. The majority of us were students. Deeply emerged in the whirlpool that was college-life there were always some stories to swap.
“Did you see the pictures? What a loss for the world, she was gorgeous.” We nodded in agreement. “Speaking of gorgeous, what did I see on the group-chat there Tommy-boy? Was that last night?! My god, what a Goddess.” I had seen the photograph my colleague had referred to as well. Friggin’ social media. The picture merely showed me standing on the dance floor, talking into the girls ear, trying to have a conversation over the loud music. “What else did you hear?” I asked. “Nothing much, just that you chatting up the most beautiful piece of ass in the building!”
“Watch it you! That may well be the future-Mrs.-Pall-Bearer you’re talking about!” I replied quasi-insulted. The front-man wolf-whistled encouraging. The guys laughed. I realized I probably had some explaining to do. “My bad, my bad”, my colleague answered amicably. He did not let it go however; “Honestly though, let’s have it. What happened?!”
“To be frank, I am not too sure.” I grinned apologetically. “It was weird. I was just standing at the bar, getting the next round when somebody pinched my ass. Like really hard! My first thought was that it was probably somebody from the sports-team, but when I turned around It was somebody I’d never met before. You would agree that on any given night we’d know pretty much every single person in that place.” Maybe it was time I started looking for a new bar. “No, no, it was not her from the photo”, I quickly stated when I saw the question written on the front-man’s face. “It was a friend of hers”.
“Was her friend attractive?” Someone asked. I thought about that for a moment. “I guess not my really type. I am telling you though, she was the wing-woman of the evening. She deserves a medal of some sorts.”
“Why’s that?”
“After I ask her what the hell she’s doing, she tells me that I have to save her friend from the horrible guy that is trying to get with her. I turn around towards the dance floor as she points me in the right direction. That’s when I see her for the first time. I’m telling you. Drop. Dead. Beautiful! She didn’t look very happy though. It was plain as day she was not interested in the guy chatting her up. I turned to her friend. “Why come to me? Why not scare that guy of yourself?”
“Because before that guy started harassing her, she told me she taught you were cute. and I like to think of myself as Cupid. Wherever I go, I pave the way of love for my friends.” Pretending she was holding a bow and arrow, she theatrically closed one eye, pulled the fictitious bow-string and released in the direction of her friend. She was funny!
“Hold on a second”, I told her. I paid for my drinks and signaled the bartender to lend me his ear. Time for a game-plan. If ever you need Intel on somebody; Ask the bartender. If we thought we knew the majority of the people in the place; The bartender really knows everybody. “That girl?” I pointed. ”
“Red hair, green dress? Yeah, she’s new”, he answered. Just what I thought. “That guy?” I pointed.
“Douche-bag, already has a girlfriend”. That helps. “What’s his girlfriend like?”
“Jealous type”. Bingo. I turned to her friend who’d been curiously eying my short chat with the bartender. “Okay guardian of love, it shall be done.” I walked over to the couple and tapped the guy on his shoulder. He teared his eyes off his chosen target and looked up, obviously irritated. I yelled a couple of words over the loud music, waved my phone in front of his face and signaled him and the girl to move closer together. The guy looked at me, looked at the girl and then suspiciously looked around. Then he started making his way through the crowd in the direction of the exit. See ya later!
Surprised she now looks at me, tilting her head and giving me a calculating look. However then she smiles a shy smile and leans over to speak. “That. Was. Something! What could you’ve possibly said, that made him leave me alone?” I locked eyes with her a couple of seconds longer than necessary. “I told him I was your gay best friend and that we were celebrating your last night out as a single lady in the big city before you will be shipped off into marriage and become your husbands ball and chain.” I then told the guy that I would be in charge of taking photo’s and video’s all night during this glorious evening, ready to share everything on Facebook and Snap Chat. Captivating every moment of the final night before you say yes to your future groom to be. When I took out my phone and asked if he wanted to give you a kiss on the cheek, so I could immortalize him being a part of your special day, he bailed.”
The guys at the table laughed. Somebody had pulled out a deck of cards and started dealing. We always played the same game during breaks. Everybody played. “Nice one Tom, then what happened?”.
“Well, she told me she was relieved that the other guy had moved along, that she had gotten a bad vibe from him. We quickly got caught in conversation, and I tried to get her to come out of her shell a bit more as she seamed somewhat nervous.
Turns out she’s decided to change majors, and will be going to the university in town for the second semester. She moved out here a couple of days ago and had her friend, the pincher, show her around. Then, all of a sudden she takes me by surprise when that new single by DJ Seti comes on the speakers.
“Okay smooth talker, let’s see if you’re as confident in your moves as you are with your words.” She grabs my wrist and pulls me onto the middle of the dance-floor. I’m telling you guys; Mad. Skills. I didn’t think my moves totally sucked on the dance-floor. But I do now. Man-alive! She hauled me back and forth through the building as if it was nothing! For such a small person, I was surprised by her determining lead and fierce confidence. She transformed into a whole other person! When the song was over I had to catch my breath. I asked her if she would let me buy her a drink. She did. We chatted for the rest of the night. Her crazy friend must have had taken off, because we didn’t see her again the rest of the evening. The lights came on, and the bouncers quickly swiped the room to get rid of everybody. I asked her how she’d get home. She would walk; they had taken the bus early in the evening. I asked her where she lived.
“East-end, over by the canals.”
No way I was going to let her walk there alone in the middle of the night. Especially on her first night in the city. “This is me”, she says when we arrive at a block of small houses next to the canal. I look into her eyes again. Still not really believing that this riveting girl had wanted to spent the bigger part of her evening in my company. I leaned in for the kiss. Then I felt her hand on my chest. “Not so fast tiger.”. I felt my heart sink. I backed away embarrassed, finding my courage to look into her eyes again. “If you are a real gentlemen, you can prove it tomorrow. When you take me out on a proper date.”
The guys all cheered. The front man whistled through his teeth in apprehension.
Sophie
Disoriented I looked around. Shit. Trying hard not to panic, I checked my pockets again. I slowly rose, painfully aware of the many sets of eyes that were now following me cautiously. My throat was bone-dry. I mumbled soft apologies as I bumped into peoples knees and belongings as I tried to pass them. I tried making my way out of the narrow confinements of the benches. Weak in the knees I walked up to the lectern where the funeral director had now stepped aside. I reached into my pocket and with shaking hands I unfolded the piece of paper. I looked up into the crowd. The many familiar faces were not comforting me. In fact they terrified me to my very core. I quickly looked down at the lectern again. My heart pounded in my chest. I can’t do this. I tried to swallow. The unnerving fear raging through my chest. Please don’t faint now. I turned towards the podium and that’s when I saw it. In the largest photograph. The thin silver string necklace around her neck that I had given her many years ago. The charm, two intertwined hands, a token of our friendship. And in that moment I realized that I held meaning to her. That I too mattered. And that I was not speaking my words to anyone in the crowd. But for her only. And for me. And with that realization, I felt my fears and all the tensions in my body displacing. Flowing down, through my feet, out into the ground. I flattened out the piece of paper. Then I found my voice again.
” To you, forever, from me to you.
Don’t know where you are, no, not sure what to do.
I’ma need some help, passing through the blues,
and learning how to lose, how to lose, how to lose.
I miss you so, I’m trying to see it through.
Didn’t see it coming,
but all I want to do, is think the best of you.
Teary-eyed now, I do, I realize the truth.
Wonder if angels miss? Ifso, d’you miss me too?
God, baby where you gone to?
‘Cause I could never follow, even if I wanted to.
Girl, I wish summer is upon you and you’re closer to the sun,
wish spring is upon you, while I’m trying, staying strong,
winter is upon you, you look down and hear my call;
that ‘from the heavens, from the heavens you will never fall’.
And in this coldest of seasons,
I wish you peace, you’re the one I believe in. ”
Thomas
After the ceremony we donned on our suits back on. We carried the casket out of the funeral home and waited outside for the people to gather again. Preceding the procession, we slowly followed the funeral director in the direction of the grave-site. There we lowered the casket and carefully placed it onto the straps that were flexed over the grave. Later the straps would be loosened and the casket would slowly descend into the grave. This would be the final opportunity for the attendees to speak their last words and leave flowers. On the front-man’s command we took off our hats one more time. “Gentlemen, please”. A last bow towards the deceased and side by side we walked past the people in the direction of the parking lot. Another smooth service added to the list, time to get outta here!
Sophie
Back home I locked myself in my room. I felt completely drained. Exhausted. The black dress I’d worn I put on the hanger and hung it in the darkest corner of my closet. I might as well throw it out, I will never wear that thing again. I crashed into my chair, glancing outside, trying to process the tsunami of emotions that had washed over me today.
It had started snowing again.
I thought back on the evening of the horrible news. Some nights everything just seems to fall apart. I looked up at a photograph of her and me. Prom-night. As ever she had looked amazing. I felt a single tear roll down my face. It had been enough for today. I grabbed the photograph by the sides of the frame. I brushed the glass with my thumb, caressing her face.Just before I turned the photograph around, I softly spoke: “Goodbye.”
Thomas
Back home I showered, put on my outfit and a nice cologne and quickly headed outside again. With the evening setting early it quickly got even colder and I zipped up my coats collar.
It had started snowing again.
I stopped at the exact place where I’d dropped her off yesterday. The small apartment by the canal. Nervously I rang the bell. Through the foggy window in the front door I saw her blurry shape fumbling with the keys. The major part of the day my mind had been distracted by thoughts of her, and I couldn’t believe in just a couple of seconds I would be get to see her again. I thanked my lucky stars I had decided to come out for a few beers last night. Some nights everything just seems to come together. And then there she was. With her beautiful smile she looked up to me and shyly spoke: “Hello.”
Sophie’s poem is written to music by:
Lil’ Wayne – Mr. Carter
in sync with verse 1, time 0:45
